Silvicultural operations for the endangered whitebark pine
Whitebark pine (Pinus albicaulis), well-known for its value to western North American high-mountain wildlife, commonly thrives in harvested forests. As the producer of the largest tree seeds in the spruce-fir zone, whitebark pine supports more than two dozen species of foraging mammals and birds, including grizzly bear (Ursus arctos horribilis) and Clark’s nutcracker (Nucifraga columbiana). The tree maintains waterflows into the dry summers by shading late-lying snow. At the highest elevations, their wind and ice battered frames contribute to spectacular timberline scenery.
An introduced fungal pathogen (Cronartium ribicola) known as white pine blister rust is decimating whitebark pine throughout most of its range. This canker disease has a complex lifecycle, but in general, the younger or smaller a tree is, the quicker it dies. Larger trees may survive for decades, however stem cankers will often kill crown tops. This is where most of the valuable cone-producing branches are. Whitebark pine grows so slowly, trees often need to reach ages of 50 to 80 before they produce cones.
In southeast British Columbia and southwest Alberta, most whitebark pine are dead or dying from blister rust. The mountain pine beetle (Dendroctonus ponderosae) epidemic has accelerated the decline, causing great concern since the beetle prefers mature trees which produce the most cones. Many whitebark pine populations are further stressed by increasingly crowded stand conditions. This is a reflection of mandated fire exclusion. By eliminating natural fires, less fire-hardy competitors such as Engelmann spruce (Picea engelmannii) and subalpine fir (Abies lasiocarpa) have prospered to the detriment of whitebark pine, which is not a strong competitor.
Above: Healthy whitebark pine with 'red flag' branch. Photo: Michael Murray
Lower right: Clark's Nutcrackers collect seeds. Photo: Michael Murray
Recognizing the mounting pressures on whitebark pine and dependent wildlife, the Canadian government classified it as endangered in June 2012. It is the first tree in the West to receive this declaration. As of this writing, restoration planning is in the earliest stages and there are no range-wide government restrictions on whitebark pine harvest or use. However, some forest licensees have already incorporated tree retention guidelines in their formal plans (e.g. Spray Lakes Sawmill, AB and Canfor’s operations near Cranbrook, BC). While the government of Alberta is nearing completion of its own recovery plan for crown lands, individual forest plans (e.g. C5 and R11) have articulated whitebark pine retention guidelines. The BC Forest Service has issued an informal bulletin providing general information and recommendations for avoiding harvest (www.whitebarkpine.ca/publications.html).
Whitebark pine often achieves merchantable form in forests of mixed species. From 2000-2009, harvested volume in BC’s Southern Interior Region was at least 21,388 cubic metres (based on scaling records). Forest practitioners can creatively maintain and promote whitebark pine within managed stands, thus averting complete loss throughout its range. Studies indicate that with active management, it’s possible to significantly improveme whitebark pine habitat.
Forest professionals can provide clear, measurable and verifiable direction and silvicultural support for whitebark pine through Forest Stewardship Plans (FSPs) and landscape level planning. Species at risk, including whitebark pine, may be addressed through stand-level biodiversity measures and wildlife as FRPA (Forest and Range Practices Act) values in an FSP, where high-value individuals may be identified for reserve selection and cone collection. Stocking standards can incorporate whitebark pine as a preferred or acceptable species if accompanied by a professional rationale in support of objectives for wildlife or biodiversity. Whitebark pine stands, especially those with many cone-bearing trees and in good health, are good candidates for wildlife tree reserves, Old Growth Management Areas, and Wildlife Habitat Areas for grizzly bears.
Whitebark pines retained in a harvest unit near Canal Flats, BC. Photo: Michael Murray
In areas planned for harvest, it is now important to prioritize conserving and identifying trees which appear to lack blister rust cankers. These trees may be rare disease-resistant genotypes, thus providing a life-link to the species’ future in the area since resistance to blister rust can be passed down from the parent trees to their seedlings. Currently, every state and province that administers whitebark pine is identifying, testing, and propagating disease-resistant progeny capable of surviving blister rust. Thinning can benefit whitebark pine by targeting and removing competing tree species. Opening up canopies often improves reproduction of whitebark pine by attracting seed-caching Clark’s nutcrackers and providing better light conditions for pine seedling growth. These seed caches are the primary way that whitebark pine regenerates since. As an example, in the East Kootenay Region, BC Timber Sales (BCTS) has adapted the following guidelines.
- Stands with less than 50% mature composition of whitebark pine. Canker-free trees should be clearly identified and retained throughout the harvest area, especially trees that have robust crowns capable of producing many cones. Proceed with care to avoid damaging these trees.
- Stands with more than 50% mature composition of whitebark pine. Exclude stands from harvest through group tree retention such as removing these timber types from the harvest area, designating [can be internal too] wildlife tree retention area (WTRA) to meet forest stewardship plan FSP retention targets or through establishing internal wildlife tree reserves.
Post-harvest activities such as burning and thinning can also be designed to avoid damage to whitebark pine. By implementing the above-mentioned options, forest professionals fulfill an important role in sustaining this remarkable tree.
Michael P. Murray, Ph.D. is a Regional Forest Pathologist, BC Forest Service, Nelson, BC. He is currently screening whitebark pine for disease resistance, examining root disease with tree ring methods, and investigating paper birch decline. He serves on the Board of the Whitebark Pine Ecosystem Foundation (www.whitebarkfound.org and www.whitebarkpine.ca). Michael can be reached at michael.murray@gov.bc.ca
After working as a research scientist and consultant for 15 years around the Pacific Northwest, Jodie is currently working in the operational side at the Ministry of Forests, Lands, and Natural Resource Operations in Squamish. She has been studying and conserving whitebark pine since 1999. Email: Jodie.Krakowski@gov.bc.ca
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Q&A with SNL's Bill Hader
Millions fantasize about becoming an SNL cast member, but only a handful get to live their dream. Some of the biggest names in comedy have come out of the SNL cast since its beginning in 1975. Although we’ve said farewell to two of the big names of the SNL cast this year, Kristen Wiig and Andy Samberg, megastar Bill Hader will be coming back for another season, which means more spot-on impressions, more recurring characters and a lot more hot-spot highlights courtesy of Stefon.Before heading to the Great White North to host a Just for Laughs gala, we called him at his home to talk about what it’s like to be one of the nicest guys in showbiz.Playboy.com: So you’ll be heading down to Montreal for the Just for Laughs comedy festival. Were you ever part of the stand-up scene?Hader: I wasn’t brave enough to do stand-up; I needed people up there with me. I was part of a little scene in L.A.; there were a couple of shows in L.A. in 2003-2004 run by Scott Aukerman, who now does Comedy Bang! Bang! on IFC, he and his wife Kulap. So Scott had a show called Comedy Death-Ray which was kind of the holy grail of comedy shows.Playboy.com: I didn’t realize you were part of that!Hader: If you lived in L.A. and you were in comedy, you wanted to get on Comedy Death-Ray. That’s where Patton Oswalt, Zach Galifianakis and all of those cool people did their shows. Kulap had this interesting cabaret-like show called Garage Comedy, which was like a step system. I would finally get on Garage Comedy and do something with my sketch group or go up there and do Vinny Vedecci, and then Scott would come up and say, “Hey, that was funny, do you want to do my show?” and you would go “OH MY GOD!!”Playboy.com: Now that you’re on SNL, is it strange being synonymous with characters that everyone expects you to do? How do you deal with Bart Simpson “I Didn’t [url=http://herveldresses.com]herve leger dresses online[/url] Do It” syndrome?Hader: I think for certain people it gets old after a while, but to me it’s just crazy that people like me! I am a fan as much as anybody else, you know what I mean? I went to Game Two of the Oklahoma City Thunder game with my dad and they put me up on the JumboTron; that feeling was insane. I turned to my dad and said, “Did you imagine when I was growing up watching the finals, they would one day come to me?” It was insane. So to me it’s just cool. I’m very appreciative of it.Playboy.com: You seem to be in almost everything lately. Where do you find the time between being a dad, husband, SNL castmate and A-list celebrity to do videos online with friends?Hader: I have a really good manager and a really good agent. [laughs] I’m very lucky that I have a wife that also does this. She just directed the movie The To Do List; I’m straight-up lazy compared to her. She works all the time on her movie; she essentially willed it into being. It’s so funny; I’ve done a couple of interviews today and they say, “GOSH you do so much stuff, where do you find the time!” and I’m like, “I do? I feel like such a lazy bastard!” [laughs] But it can get exhausting, especially traveling. Like you say, I have a family and all of that, so you got to pace yourself a little more.When I first started the show, my wife and I got married and then I was just like, “BYE!” She was working on a project in L.A. and I was in Vancouver shooting Hot Rod, then immediately back to SNL and then I was doing Superbad and SNL concurrently and then the minute after SNL was done I did Forgetting Sarah Marshall and then the minute that was done I did Adventureland and then when that was done I did Tropic Thunder…So there were a couple of years that I was getting socked. Once I had a kid I had to chill out. A couple of summers ago I called everyone and said, “Nope, I’m not doing anything this summer!”Playboy.com: Through the short videos I see online, it seems like you work with so many different groups of people in the comedy community through Above Average Network. I see [url=http://herveldresses.com]herve leger dresses online[/url] some people from Human Giant [url=http://herveldresses.com]herve leger dress[/url] and then the guys from Wet Hot American Summer…What is the comedy scene like right now?Hader: I think it’s very healthy! I think what Louis C.K. is doing right now is groundbreaking. [url=http://coachfactoryhandbagoutlet2u.webs.com/]coach factory online outlet[/url] It’s the first thing that I’ve seen in my time that could be close to how people talk about Lenny Bruce or Richard Pryor. It’s just truly groundbreaking stuff, not just his comedy, the business end of it as well. I love Larry David’s Curb Your Enthusiasm, South Park I love, not because I won an Emmy for it, but because I think those guys are geniuses. There are all of these great shows out there. My wife and I love to watch Girls too; Lena Dunham is great. And network comedy: Community, Parks and Rec, 30 Rock…Playboy.com: It’s a pretty solid lineup right now on NBC.Hader: Yeah, there are cool people involved with a lot right now. Ten years ago all of the underground people worked their way into more of the established things but were still able to fuse it with where they came from. I love that David Wain is now directing big studio movies. When Wet Hot American Summer came out in 2001, I must have seen that movie 10 times in theatres. [url=http://coachfactoryhandbagoutlet2u.webs.com/]coach factory outlet[/url] It’s so neat to see that so many of the people involved in that movie are now huge. It’s a very seminal movie. It’s like the American Graffiti of our generation. You can kind of track it all back to it.Playboy.com: Is there a reason why you haven’t hopped on the social media bandwagon?Hader: Believe it or not, I’m a very private person. [laughs] It’s not so much a private thing, it’s just I don’t know what I’d say, I don’t know what to do. Maybe if I wasn’t on television and maybe if I was doing the same thing I was doing in 2004 when I was an assistant editor at night, so during the day I could write comedy with friends and then on the weekends break away from my job to go do little sets here and there with my comedy group, maybe I would go on Twitter to use it as an advertising thing. But I am not the kind of person to use it. When I sit down to do a mass e-mail that just says “Merry Christmas” I pore over it for hours: “Is that funny? Is that a funny joke? Hey, do you get that joke?” I can’t be a person that fires off tweets; I’m just not built that way.Playboy.com: You’ve worked with a lot of big names in comedy on Saturday Night Live. Has there been anyone in particular that was just incredible?Hader: Jon Hamm is a lot of fun, he gets it, and when Will Ferrell came it was just fun at the table read to watch. Steve Martin, obviously. But I have to tell you about this. It isn’t really about working with anybody, but I had a really cool moment. My mom came to the show; she’s from Oklahoma and coming was crazy for her in itself. Then Martin Short came up and gave me this really nice compliment. He said, “You’re really good on the show!” Which kind of blew my [url=http://herveldresses.com]herve leger dress[/url] mind and my mom couldn’t believe it.The other thing was when we did a Laser Cats bit with Steven Spielberg. Growing up, Steven Spielberg was my hero. I wanted to be a filmmaker and he was a huge inspiration in my life so getting to meet him and getting to be in a scene with him was…Usually those are the kind of things that you try to play it cool, but I was like, “Screw this, I’m going to be a full-on dork. This is the only time I’m ever going to get to hang with him.” And Andy Samberg was like, “Bill, I’m not going to say a word. I’m just going to set you up so you can do your thing.” I was flipping out. So [in between takes] Spielberg and Andy let me ask him every question possible. He was the nicest guy but I’m sure he was like, “I gotta get out of here, this guy is hounding me!”In all honesty, it’s not so much working with the big names that’s crazy, but it’s what happens on the show. I got to play the bass in a sketch where Fred Armisen and Dave Grohl were in a band called Crisis of Conformity. So I got to play the bass, which I can’t do at all, and have my moment and Dave Grohl was on drums. So that was [one of] the coolest things I’ve ever got to do in my life.
The Hottest Sex Shops Around the World
Most sex shops are about as sexy [url=http://cheapcoachfactorybackpacks2i.webs.com/]coach backpacks[/url] as Wal-Mart. Except everything’s overpriced. And even cheesier. There’s the blow-up doll for bachelor party gags. The improbable penis enlargement pumps. Lots of plastic gizmos in Day-Glo hues. All the porno DVDs nobody buys anymore. And a bored Goth girl behind the counter. Hot times!Our survey of the world’s finest sex shops rises above the novelty factor. No mere gee-whiz spots, these outlets of the orgasmic will turn you on with something unique or unusual, from cutting-edge bondage couture to exotic erotica.Best One-Stop Source for Your Supermodel Dungeon Demask New York CityThose halcyon days when Times Square was America’s capital of sleaze are long gone, archived in 1970s exploitation cinema and lingering, like the faint whiff of disinfectant, in a few grotty jack-shacks on the [url=http://www.ccoachfactoryoutlets.com/]online coach factory outlet[/url] fringes of Penn Station. Glory holes have given way to designer goods and more open and stylish expressions of sexuality that journey to the outer limits, but with excellent taste. Thus...Demask. 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Or maybe a gas mask to surprise that special someone on your anniversary.Most Convenient Dr. Müller’s Sex Shop Frankfurt, GermanyGerman culture’s matter-of-fact attitude about sex—Berlin is host to the annual Love Parade, a massive free-for-all notorious for public boffing—would seem mindblowing to many Americans. Can you imagine porn kiosks in major transit hubs, like JFK or LAX? Well, Frankfurt am Main, one of Germany’s biggest airports, has not one but three outlets of Dr. Müller’s Sex Shop. The stores—which are meticulously clean, by the way, unlike airport bathrooms—even have a proud national legacy. They were founded by the late Beate Uhse, who was a pioneering female stunt and fighter pilot. After the war, she opened the world’s first sex shop (now part of a sprawling chain of erotic emporiums). Travelers popping into Dr. Müller’s for some stimulation during their layovers may not realize that they owe such convenience to a woman who was revered as Europe's grandmother of the erotic.Best Place to Go Wild JT’s Stockroom Los AngelesOccupying a non-descript block along Sunset Boulevard in Los Angeles’s laid-back Silver Lake neighborhood, JT’s Stockroom is the best stop for anyone getting in touch with the beast within. Here, you can pick up a handcrafted leather pig mask or a bunny bondage hood. Or, if you’re feeling more restrained, yet still want to flaunt some flesh, check out the outfit’s signature “Bolero Straitjacket” (patent pending)—a variation on the institutional restraint that leaves the torso (i.e., boobs) exposed. “We have a lot of kinky creativity on staff,” says Joel Tucker, who is celebrating his firm’s 20th anniversary. The flagship for the original online fetish and sex toy retailer, the store has a sinister-yet-inviting vibe, with a black-and-red gothic décor, a photo gallery, and enough leather and latex and esoteric insertables on display to inspire any budding DeSade. Or Hollywood producer. All the gear in Sacha Baron-Cohen’s Bruno came from the Stockroom. “If I see something in a movie and we didn’t make it,” Tucker says, “it’s kind of weird.”Best Culture Shock Pop Life Department M’s Tokyo, JapanA six-story site in Akihabara—Tokyo’s “Electric Town”—this isn’t just a sex shop. It’s a sex mall. And a beacon of perversion in a neighborhood notorious for its cafés where young woman dress as sexy maids or anime characters, for its automated panty dispensers, for its brothels that feature not flesh-and-blood females but life-size sex dolls. You can select your own plastic fantastic lover from a gallery of passion puppets at M’s (even ones with missing limbs), score a cat outfit for furry cosplay, or investigate a masturbation machine that’s part Cuisinart, part cock-socket. The Japanese are different. You’ll only really appreciate how different once you visit. The creepy/funny/surreal factor is off the charts.Most Provocative Window Shopping Boutique Sexy Cité Montreal, CanadaRue de Sainte-Catherine is Montreal’s street of sin: The neon blare of its strip clubs, with names like Super-Sexé, are a major attraction, where farmer’s daughters and cosmopolitan coeds alike parade their flesh [url=http://cheapcoachfactorybackpacks2i.webs.com/]coach backpacks[/url] to cheesy techno beats. Where else would you expect to find the city’s largest outlet for dildos and triple-X DVDs? Boutique Sexy Cité has it all, from the tacky hilarity of its come-hither window displays (mannequins in lingerie and feather boas) to its array of purple angel wings and ankle-length rubber gear, appropriate for that DIY Hellraiser remake you've been meaning to film. If nothing else, it’s a good spot to grab some fresh air between lap dances.Best Stoner Alternative Absolute Danny Amsterdam, HollandYou’d think sex was invented in Amsterdam, where the Red Light District mainstreamed commercial coitus in much the same way its cafes became a haven for hash-huffing tourists and Midwestern college kids. But it’s also kind of a sideshow hustle. Navigate past the hippies, soccer hooligans and rubberneckers that clutter the RLD and you’ll find yourself at Absolute Danny. The bi-level enterprise’s owner and namesake holds a degree from Amsterdam's Fashion Academy, which sets a tone somewhat more distinguished than that of the Bananenbar (where the bananas are not so much for eating). 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Sexy Girl Interview Facetime with Playmate Ashley Doris
Miss March 2013 Ashley Doris talked to us about becoming a Playmate by accident, her craziest Mansion story and her pride at being the first-ever Playmate from Connecticut.Playboy.com: What doyou bring to the Playboy family that is unique from other Playmates?I’m actually the first Playmate from Connecticut, ever,since Playboy has been in business in1953, so that’s unique and really cool. I’m also biracial, my mom is black andmy dad is white, and I think that’s pretty unique. From year to year there area few Playmates that are biracial; I think that’s really cool [that] I’m one ofthem because I think people can identify with that. Playboy.com: Tell usabout your first experience with Playboy.The casting I went to this past September was my first realface-to-face experience with Playboy.I had never actually seen a Playboy;my first time seeing one was this past November because my friend had it on hiscoffee table. Britany Nola was on the cover. 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I think there are gentlemen out there. I think a guy shouldreally try to open doors for girls and be as kind as possible; [url=http://bagsoutletsonlines.com/]coach factory outlet online[/url] that’s the wayit should be with guys and girls. Sometimes I think that gets lost today. Idon’t think chivalry is dead. Playboy.com: Name somethingthat is overrated.I think that hot girls are overrated. It’s cool to be prettyand hot a lot of times, especially in the town I’m from, but maybe they [hotgirls] aren’t the nicest or most relatable people. I think people should reallygo for personality. It doesn’t matter if you’re a boy or girl, personality isimportant. For me liking guys it just matters if you’re funny and we get alongand if you get my sense of humor. Playboy.com: Name somethingthat is underrated. I think a best friendship is underrated. I don’t think thatpeople realize how important having a true best friend is. I think people arereally quick to say, “Love you girl, bye, love you girl.” Most of the timethat’s not real love. When you have a best friend that’s something you shouldvalue forever. I don’t have a best friend right now and I miss that so muchbecause I’m staying [url=http://bagsoutletsonlines.com/]coach factory outlet[/url] in California right now, not Connecticut where I’m from. Imiss my true friends and wish [url=http://bagsoutletsonlines.com/]coach factory outlet online[/url] I had a best friend to talk to every day. Playboy.com: Whatqualities drive you wild in a man? What I look for is a guy that doesn’t tell me I’m prettyevery five minutes. When you’re on a date with a guy and he’s like, “You lookreally great,” “Wow, that coat looks great on you,” “Wow, your hair looks sonice,” it’s kind of like, “Okay, overkill!” Let’s talk about things that makeus laugh, let’s talk about funny stuff, let’s talk about our favorite TV shows.I love Workaholics, Walking Dead and Sons of Anarchy. I think it’s good when a guy is into what you’reinto, that’s hot! There was a marathon the other Sunday for The WalkingDead and I literally sat at my TV from ten A.M. to six P.M. and watched theentire season three of The Walking Dead. If a guy can sit with me throughall of that and we can enjoy it together and eat food all day, that’s awesome.Playboy.com: Wherecan we find you when you’re not modeling for Playboy?I love to garden. In the summer I always keep a garden; we haveso many vegetables in Connecticut we barely have to buy produce in the summerbecause we grow that many vegetables. We have five cats at my parents’ house,so on a good day we like to take them all out on a supervised little journeyinto the backyard. I love cooking; I can cook all day long and not get bored. It’sreally the little stuff that matters. Playboy.com: What isyour signature dish?My signature dish is [url=http://bagsoutletsonlines.com/]coach factory outlet[/url] brisket. It takes four hours but it’sso worth it because you could literally serve it with two spoons and pick it upand put it on your plate, and there are root vegetables I serve with it and atomato-based sauce. Once you take the sauce out of the oven you have to reduceit for half an hour more. You’ve been waiting all these hours but you have towait a bit longer just to make it perfect. It’s something awesome for winter, it’sdelicious. Playboy.com: Have youbeen to the Playboy Mansion, and what is your craziest Mansion story to date?I stayed there for 21 days for my centerfold shoot. I thinkthe craziest story that I can tell is when me and two other blonde girls fromFun in the Sun on Sundays, we were all skinny-dipping in the grotto. We took aphoto of all three of us turned around so all of our butts are lined up; it wasjust so cute! Playboy.com: What issomething your fans might be surprised to know about you?They might be surprised by the fact that I never go out andI never go clubbing. I feel like when someone thinks of a Playmate they think thatshe’s out all the time. Right now I’m in my bathrobe and I’m about to watch Sons of Anarchy on my laptop; this is atypical day for me besides working out. I guess I’m not that much of a partygirl, but maybe that will change when I do all of my promotions. Playboy.com: Whatmakes you feel sexiest? A nice pair of heels and a really well fitted dress.Something that’s not too spandexy but that lays on your body really well so itshows off your curves in a flattering way. And when my hair is all blown outand I’m going out for dinner. That’s the sexiest thing ever, when you lookreally good and you’re about to eat something really good, that’s perfect. Playboy.com: What areyour goals for 2013? I really want to explore every opportunity that I can. I’vebeing speaking with some really great people in L.A. I just want to get outthere. I feel like I’ve been indoors so much, so one of my goals is toliterally get out and to meet a ton of cool people. I really want to hang withthe upcoming Playmates; we don’t even know who they are yet, but I’m so excitedto meet them. I’m excited to meet the summer and fall Playmates; that’s goingto be very awesome. Follow Ashley on Twitter @MissAshleyDoris, Instagram or like her on Facebook.
Valentine's Day Advice: Interview with Pot Psychology .com
Not sure where to turn for advice this Valentine's Day? Sure, Miss Manners or Dear Abby can answer all your fork-related etiquette inquiries, but your questions are a little less refined. Look no further. Tracie Egan Morrissey and Rich Juzwiak have been dispensing hilarious answers to all of life's questions in their online advice column Pot Psychology on Jezebel, and this past November they published Pot Psychology's How to Be: Lowbrow Advice from High People with more of the real talk we know and love (with added cute animals pretending they're people). We sat down with them to get their take on some of the hardest problems facing our readers this Valentine's Day.Playboy.com: Whatsongs are a must on your V-day playlist?Juzwiak: I’vebeen thinking a lot about music and sex, so this is at the top of my brain. Ireally like the new Destiny’s Child song, “Nuclear”; I think that’s really goodfor sex. “Promise” by Ciara is a song I really like to have sex to. And,personally, anything from Janet Jackson’s baby-making catalog I really reallylike a lot. “Let’s Wait a While,” “Funny How Time Flies (When You’re HavingFun)” is great, and stuff like “Anytime, Anyplace” and “Warmth” and “Moist” and“Take Care,” I love all that. No matter what you say about Janet, she can stillmake a great baby-making song. Morrissey: Do youstill call it “baby-making music” if you have butt-sex with a guy?Juzwiak: Yeah,totally. I don’t try to get peoplepregnant—Morrissey: Buttbabies. [laughs]Juzwiak: I reallydon’t try to [url=http://beautifulcoachbackpacks2t.webs.com/]coach backpacks outlet[/url] get anybody pregnant. Always use protection, always. But I likethe idea of trying to make babies; Ifeel like it would be particularly vigorous. So that’s how I like to talk aboutsex. I tend to like more mid-tempo beat-based stuff than your typical quietstorm. Oh, and “Moments in Love” by Art of Noise is my favorite song to havesex to.Morrissey: Also,though, if you don’t have someone to spend Valentine’s Day with then I thinkmaybe The Smiths or Mariah Carey.Playboy.com: Onthat note, do you have any good [url=http://ccoachonlineoutlet.com/]Coach Outlet Online[/url] advice for single guys who want to meet a girlon Valentine’s Day?Morrissey:Hmm…no. [laughs] Juzwiak: [Laughs] What do they do? Literally, Idon’t even…If you don’t have somebody to spend Valentine’s Day with, to kind offorce it and pick somebody is a little bit strange. I don’t know. Go to a bar.Morrissey: Yeah.Go to a bar. You can probably find a sad girl.Juzwiak: It’sprobably even better, because there are going to be people in that situation aswell. So do what you normally do to get laid. And I bet you will absolutely getlaid.Playboy.com: What’sthe best Valentine’s Day gift for your girlfriend? Wife? Mistress?Morrissey: Ithink you should get all of them jewelry. Right?Juzwiak: I’d beenthinking flowers. Morrissey: Whatcan you do with flowers? Throw flowers away. It’s like, “What am I gonna dowith this shit in the house for two days?” I think flowers are overrated andthey don’t last.Juzwiak: So you’dgive jewelry across the board? Even a mistress? I think you’d get your mistresspanties.Morrissey:Mistresses don’t wear panties.Juzwiak: [Laughs] Get your mistress crotchlesspanties. What about a sex toy? I feel like if your contact is sexual then yourgift should be sexual. For a serious girlfriend, jewelry makes sense; wife,absolutely makes sense. Girlfriend, depending on the seriousness, you could doflowers. Morrissey: I feellike girlfriend is fancy dinner. At a place that has cloth napkins.Playboy.com: Whatis the worst Valentine’s day gift that you could make for someone?Morrissey: If youmake it at all, I think it’s a horrible gift. Spend money on me!Juzwiak: I thinkdinner would be a shitty thing to make someone on Valentine’s Day unless you’rea supremely good cook, and you’d have to be a proven good cook, you can’t think you’re a good cook, you have tohave this on record somehow. Either you’d been on Top Chef, or—Morrissey: And it’dhave to be like lobster, expensive ingredients. But any kind of crafts, [url=http://beautifulcoachbackpacks2t.webs.com/]coach backpacks[/url] I wouldnever. I love crafting and I would never do that to somebody.Playboy.com: Doyou think the book is a great Valentine’s Day gift?Morrissey: Oh!Yeah, yeah, yeah. Actually, I think a really good gift for someone forValentine’s Day is our book. [laughs]I’d kind of forgotten that!Juzwiak: Thankyou for helping us with that. Morrissey: Youknow what, that’s what you should get your mistress. Juzwiak: [url=http://ccoachonlineoutlet.com/]Coach Outlet Online[/url] I thinkour book is good for that. Good for any holiday, really! We do have giftsuggestions in the book, and one of the suggestions in the book is the book.Morrissey: Wehave suggestions on what to give people you just started seeing without lookinglike a freak or like you’re too into it. Playboy.com: Ithought that section had some very good recommendations.Morrissey: [Laughs] Would [url=http://beautifulcoachbackpacks2t.webs.com/]coach backpacks[/url] you buy someone a noveltywig?Playboy.com: Iwould. Both: [Laughter]Morrissey: One ofthose nudie pens. That’s a good Valentine’s Day gift, actually.Juzwiak: Maybenudie cards!Playboy.com: Whatwould you say is the worst Valentine’s Day gift you could buy for someone?Juzwiak: Unsexyunderwear. Oh, no, no. The worst gift you can buy someone is something theyalready have, because you should know them better.Morrissey: OrSpanx. Like a suggestion, the kind of gift that suggests how you could makeyourself better.Juzwiak: Orsuggests a way that that person could help you,such as a kitchen appliance that you didn’t specifically ask for, or a vacuumcleaner or something if you live with them. Morrissey: Onetime my husband got me an apron.Playboy.com: Wasit a sexy apron?Morrissey: Noooo.No! I guess if I didn’t wear anything under it, it would be sexy, but it had arecipe for apple pancakes printed on it, so it wasn’t sexy at all.Playboy.com: Wasit a hint that he wanted you to make him apple pancakes?Morrissey: Idon’t even know! He was just like, “Oh, I thought you’d like this.” No. [laughs] To me that says, “Bitch, get inthe kitchen.”Playboy.com: Wehave a few reader questions for you guys. First: “I’ve only been seeing thisgirl for a little while now. What’s the best low-pressure way to do Valentine’sDay when you’ve only been dating for a few weeks?”Morrissey: Dinner.I feel like you can’t go wrong with dinner.Juzwiak: Alternatively,you could order in, which is dinner but also in a context in which you can talkand also then you won’t have to plan too much, you can kind of play [url=http://ccoachonlineoutlet.com/]Coach Outlet[/url] it by ear.I think that’s the way to do it.Morrissey: If aguy wants to spend Valentine’s Day with a girl that he just started dating,she’s going to be happy. Unless he doesn’t want to pursue any kind ofrelationship; then he should probably not spend Valentine’s Day with her.Because that’ll just lead her on.Playboy.com: Ournext question: “Is writing a song or a poem for a girl you like but have nevertalked to an appropriate way to let her know you’re into her?”Morrissey: Ithink a song or a poem would be bad. I would not like it if someone wrote me asong and I would make fun of someone if they wrote me a poem. Unless the poemwas funny. Juzwiak: Iwouldn’t like either. There’s nothing that that’s going to accomplish that justtalking to somebody wouldn’t anyway. And when you have the added layer of themjudging your output…If it’s a good song then all it’s going to do is enter youinto a conversation that you could have had anyway if you were juststraightforward, but if it’s a bad song or if it doesn’t jibe with their tastethat might block you from having a conversation. That seems like a lot ofneedless ceremony. Just talk to the person. I feel a lot of pressure receivinga piece of art from somebody I didn’t know. Morrissey: It’s arisk/reward situation. The person’s either going to really love it or reallymake fun of you. Playboy.com: “Isit wrong to expect sex on Valentine’s Day if you’re seeing someone?”Juzwiak: I thinkthat you should expect sex; youshould demand sex. If you don’t have sex, there’s something up. That alwaysstruck me as natural that you’d do it on Valentine’s Day or any othermilestone. No, I don’t think it’s messed up at all. I think you should alwaysexpect sex but certainly on Valentine’s Day. Come on, what’s the point?Morrissey: Youshould expect sex, but not to the point of raping somebody.Juzwiak: [Laughs] Of course! Expecting and actingon those expectations are two different things. Illustrations and cover art by Lindsay Mound.
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